How to create good boundaries
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.” – Brene Brown, PhD.
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Setting limits for yourself and honoring the limits of others is not a common thing, nor are there instructions to do it right or wrong. But as you practice, you will learn different ways to take charge of your life. We can (and should) set limits on our personal space, work, sexuality, emotions and thoughts, things or possessions, time and energy. What you should be very clear about is that your peace and well-being come first, then everything else. Remember: if you are not well, you are of no use to others.
- social distance has exasperated emotional well being during Covid-19
What is the right thing to do? Think things through or say it?
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These limits, and respecting them, bring important benefits that can change your life. We are talking about a better self-esteem, conserving your emotional energy and you will know an independence and personal agency that you did not know existed. But you can also feel guilt, which is very common. You have to be ready to make difficult decisions and change your lifestyle and guilt is the most common obstacle. You will feel guilty about making yourself your own priority, and there will be other people who don’t like you very much. To overcome guilt, fight it head-on, let the feeling pass, and take it as a sign that you are on the right track.
- has mental health pushed you close to a substance use disorder as a woman?
Start setting simple but firm boundaries with an elegant, neutral tone. Yes, you will feel uncomfortable at first, but as you take care of yourself, the personal power you gain will make it easier. Also, it may surprise you how all you needed to do was say it, no one can guess the thought. Many times it helps to have support from someone before and after having these conversations. For example: lean on a family member or partner before talking to your boss about limits on your work hours. With your support person you can vent your strong emotions of anger or distress so that the conversation you have does not lose focus on them.
Change the negative conversations you have with yourself, we tell you how!
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Brene Brown gives us the following tips:
- Make a mantra. I need something to hold on to—literally—during those awkward moments when an ask hangs in the air. So I bought a silver ring that I spin while silently repeating, “Choose discomfort over resentment.” My mantra reminds me that I’m making a choice that’s critical for my well-being—even if it’s not easy.
- Keep a resentment journal. Whenever I’m marching around muttering cuss words under my breath, I grab what I lovingly refer to as my Damn It! Diary and write down what’s going on. I’ve noticed that I’m most resentful when I’m tired and overwhelmed—i.e., not setting boundaries.
- Rehearse. I’ll often say, to no one in particular, “I can’t take that on” or “My plate is full.” Like many worthwhile endeavors, boundary setting is a practice.
Don’t forget: When setting limits, there is no need to defend, debate, or overexplain your feelings. Recognize your worth and what is important to you. Be firm, kind, and direct, and back up your words with actions. When you face resistance, repeat your statement or request and stay strong. If you give in, or don’t act within your own limits, you invite people to ignore your needs.
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