A Personal Story of Step 1
In recovery, you hear the word Powerlessness a lot. When I came into recovery, I wasn’t really aware of what that meant. All my life, I had been encouraged to recognize my personal power. I was supposed to be the maker of my own fortune; I was always told I had the POWER to do anything. So why was it that this roomful of people was telling me I was powerless- and that, apparently, I always HAD been? I was livid, and truly resentful at these people. The icing on the cake was that they didn’t even know me- so I really despised the fact that they sized me up in two seconds and tried to tell me the solution to my problem.
In the beginning, I also saw the word God, and immediately thought the recovery process was a religious one. I figured it would try to turn me into a Bible thumper- something I knew I could never be. People asked me to skip over the word “God” and use “Higher Power” instead. I didn’t really think that would work, but I did know one thing- I didn’t want to drink or use anymore. So, in return for hoping it would help me stop drinking and using, I granted those people that one wish. I used Higher Power, and kept an open mind about it.
Today, the words Powerless and God don’t scare me- nor do they make me angry. They actually make me feel better about a lot of things- because they give me a sense of peace, ease, and calm. I know that I’m not the one in charge of running the world- not even my small life in it. Something else is- the force of a greater, or Higher, power.
The start of recovery is all about “hitting your bottom.” It’s hard, though- there is no dictionary definition of a bottom, and everyone’s looks different. Some people are homeless when they realize they are powerless. Some people are living in mansions and have a million dollars in the bank. Noone will ever tell you that you have, or have not, hit your bottom. It’s a choice only you get to make.
For me, I’ve figured out, the bottom comes when that feeling of powerlessness is truly heartfelt. When you realize that you have LESS POWER than you originally thought; over the drink, the drug, and your life as it has become. You have, by default, become powerless. A power of less. At that point, we throw our hands up, and ask something for
help. A power that is GREATER than us.
The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous sums up it in one sentence: “I, who had thought so well of myself and my abilities, of my capacity to surmount obstacles, was cornered at last.” (p8).
Today, I understand that my bottom was the first time I truly acknowledged a Higher Power, and alllowed it to start working in my life. Since then, I have done what was asked of me, cleared away the wreckage of my past, and constantly reminded myself that I am the lesser power. And the incredible thing is- since I allowed my HIGHER power to start running the show- my life has become infinitely better than it ever was, when I thought I was supposed to exert power over it.
In return for recognizing my powerlessness, I have been able to build a drink-and-drug free life that is more exciting and fun than I ever imagined it might be. It’s funny to look back at how long I held onto a life that wasn’t working. Today, “not being in power” is the best feeling in the world. I get to sit back and enjoy my life, seeing where it takes me.
And in recovery- it will take you anywhere. And everywhere. From Dublin, to Thailand, to a cross-country move to live three blocks from the beach in La Jolla- my Higher Power has not disappointed me in my recovery. Today I get to be a part of recovery in Southern California- one of the most active and tight-knit recovery hotspots in the world. There’s always something to do, someone to see, or something great going on in my life today.
The admission of my powerlessness was simply me finally seeing what I had never seen- that something greater than me was in charge, and that the smartest thing I could ever do was simply LET it be in charge.